A piece of my heart

The title seems either concerning or boring, but I had to write this today.

It has been a long time since I wrote something because I was too busy or lazy (mostly this), but this blog will be nice because the words here reflect exactly how I feel.

21 years isn't small, and throughout this journey, I have been through a lot of situations, met a lot of people, and done a shit load of crap. But one thing is that I have always tried to give my best, and maybe that's why I ended up meeting many wonderful people.

Some stayed some left. This blog is dedicated to those who decided to stay. Family and friends are 2 different things for a lot of people, but not for me. I need both my family and these few people to be by my side and listen to me rant, laugh like a crazy person, and handle my senseless tantrums. 

I've always tried to be independent, and not express a lot of emotions, but only a few know how crazy I actually am. 

No matter how far we live distance has never affected us, or the bond that we share.

I still remember the time when I was at my weakest, and the first person I turned to was one of my closest friends [not revealing the name :) ]who listened to me talk, yell, and cry, but never judged me or made me feel uncomfortable. Our friendship started in 7th grade sitting and spoiling the desk using my scale, and progressed to me sharing my feelings and asking what to do. Every time I meet her it is like meeting a family member. After moving out of my house for college, things didn't really seem great, but none of that affected us maybe because of the maturity both of us had, even last night for example was another such time when I expressed something to her without hesitation because I didn't know how to handle such emotions. I know it seems very weird but thanks for being there and listening to me, and mainly for handling me.

What do I say about accidental friendships, I feel that they are one of the best things to ever happen. Little did I know I'd find an older brother in a person whom I never spoke to in school. He is the first one whom I told that I'd be writing NEET, and his reaction lives in my heart rent-free, and even now he's the one motivating me to do more. Its more like he's adopted a younger annoying kid (I sometimes act like a child in front of him). He's been there every time I need no matter what, never judged me no matter what, and never tried to put me down, but instead helped me throughout my journey until now. Idk what I'd do without that constant support and help.  

Ah and college friendships, damn I really don't know what to say! 

I've met people as crazy as me (probably more), and probably more than me. These people are the ones who help me survive that place, and the ones who handle me daily, be it for cringe texts, reels, or my mood swings. 

I remember the first conversation with each and every one be it about parishrama, old Hindi music, where to go for apron measurements, forensic science, murder, and crime mysteries, discussing the script of our first ever skit in college, drunk dude on the bus, sharing the same surname, thanking for clicking pictures, or talking random bullshit in the lab. Lol 

No idea how I got this close to y'all! but I'm glad that happened.

We grew from being cautious to talking shit without thinking and sharing stuff that broke us or made us express those emotions that we never expressed before.

We laughed, cried, stopped talking, cooked up random plans and stories, and got annoyed, but in the end, we were always there.

Some connections are made in an instant and last a lifetime y'all are like that, no matter how annoyed I get or no matter how much I yell at y'all, deep down I'd probably be teary-eyed when I've to walk away from even a single one of you.

My roomies, bench buddies, kiddos, opd 11 members, pengu, Manipal buddies, and seniors you guys are just wayyy tooo cheesy at times, but y'all are family. I'm glad I met u guys.

I'd probably write a whole book so that's it for now, Love y'all, and I'm waiting for all the crazy shit that's yet to happen!

Iceberg- you don't see everything

"It's fine, I'm fine, Everything's fine" This is the biggest lie we tell ourselves.

Since our childhood we have been told that every day is a new learning, but we are never told about the challenges that we need to face, the rejections we need to handle, and the phases of self-doubt that we need to manage. 

I don't want to bore anyone by talking about med school or college, but wanna share the reality which is nothing like a cute Disney movie. 

Being a teenager, or a young adult is not as easy as it is said to be. Personally, these were both beautiful and troublesome years to go through. It was not just the people around me but also myself that I had to fight and figure out what was best for me. Med school plays a major part in everything. There is something new happening every day, and coping with all of that isn't an easy task. 

Every single day is a challenge where I need to try and be sane, but can't just go ahead with the flow or the crowd coz it doesn't make sense. I have had people talk crap about me to an extent where it isn't easy to handle and trust me it is not easy to ignore everything. Some situations/stuff leave a mark that we carry lifelong, especially if you aren't part of a crowd or at least pretend to be and follow the rules of society, but no matter what, we are always expected to have a straight face and never burst out coz duh we are future doctors and how are we going to handle the future if a small comment from someone is gonna break us. At this point I just try to push everything deep down coz duh I am not supposed to express myself coz doctors and future doctors need to be able to handle pain both physically and emotionally, but is it really that easy? Nope... Few comments can never be ignored or forgotten, and few glances and reactions stay like a recorded clip in our minds and never go out no matter how much we try. There have been times when I just wanna walk away from conversations, people, groups, and places coz not everything is liked by everyone, but sadly a large part of our society fails to understand that people are different and have different preferences.

After learning to ignore those comments and moving on, new challenges start to show up. Med school doesn't wait for anyone, and it is not a race where the slow and steady win. It's a marathon that needs to be completed without falling or taking a break, but it is impossible to do so. There is like a shit load of things completed each day, and no matter how fast you run or how much of your sanity, sleep, and mental and physical health you give, it is never enough. 

24 hours is not a short period, it is more than enough to fuck things up royally, make a fool out of yourself, zone out, burn out, get demotivated, and want a break. There is always a question, why is it always me? Should I just give up and leave? Do I just go somewhere far so that no one can ever meet me again? 

Despite all of these, there are a few things that make everything seem worth it, like a call from parents, a call or text from those whom we care about and who care about us, the smile on a patient's face when we talk to them and try to listen to them, the blessings we get from patients and their attenders, and all of a sudden everything starts to seem good.

Realisations

 Finally after hustling for 11 months, the journey of first year has come to an end....

It's been a pretty great one..

Today, I don't wanna keep talking about how were the people I met, or how many memories I made this year. This time it's gonna be just about myself.

To understand oneself is a big task and kudos to those of you who are successful in it. For me it's always been a complicated task and trust me till date I haven't understood myself that well (probably that's why crushes remained crushes and stories remained Stories lol).

Mbbs helped me understand that it's neither  difficult nor wrong to believe in myself and go ahead with what my heart suggests (in terms of the course and professionally lol).

For me in person, it's been a really long journey where I learnt that I love trying to be better than others but I tend to fail miserably and constantly get over shadowed by others. 

I learnt is that it's totally normal to be yourself and not pay heed to what random people talk coz dogs are gonna bark and you can't stop them can you.

It's always said that being good to others is great and being selfish is just a baad mentality, but trust me in this world it's not necessary to be good towards other people and not thinking about ourselves. No one's gonna come and pay or bills, or solve your issues even if you've gone beyond your way to help them. That's the human nature. Situations can turn anyone against anyone and no amount of goodness is gonna help there.

There were a lot of scenarios where I was wrong, there were scenarios when I was wronged, but either ways I never did anything to rectify the issue ( probably for the best).

It's time to learn from the past and trust myself coz I'm my only company until the end of time. 

Probably people aren't gonna like what I've written today or they may still talk crap but trust me it doesn't matter anymore coz I've got a lot of stuff to thing about, and a lot of genuine people to stick along. 

Thanks for bearing with me until here!

Down the memory lane

It is said that memories fade but they are never forgotten,  it is true to an extent. 

Scrolling through our gallery, archived stories and archived posts take us down a memory lane. 

It's almost the end of my 1st yr mbbs, scrolling through my gallery and archives made me really nostalgic. It still feels like the journey had  begun just a few days ago, but the reality is that it's almost over now. 

A lot of people came and left, but just a few stayed throughout. It's fascinating how we all thought that our equations will remain the same throughout our lives, but in some corner of our minds we knew that this won't happen. Things always keep changing,  and not everything is in our control. A lot of unexpected bonds are formed which mean more than just friendship, a few people become family, and a few become nothing more than mere strangers.

I was just scrolling through my gallery, my blog posts, the comments under them...while doing so I stumbled across a few screenshots of the texts myfriends had sent after they read my blogs andheard my podcast for the first time. Those messages will always be my greatest treasure, and mean a lot to me.... 

They were one of the first appreciation messages that I received in my mbbs journey. 

I also came across a few pictures of all of us hanging out together like one big crazy bunch of nutheads, our White Coat ceremony, our first day in college, and many more.

Those were few wonderful days I've experienced in my lifetime, and will always be the same. I was close to a lot of people, but over time and situations we just drifted apart, currently things haven't been really great between us, time changed a lot of things, probably this was for the good.

I know I can't go back in time and change stuff, but if I could then I would definitely go back and try to avoid the stimuli that changed us and the bonds we shared. 

In a few days, a new batch is going to join, full of life, dreams and expectations. We'll probably look at them go back to the time when we were freshers, back to those good old days where everything seemed beautiful...

Here are a few comments:

~Mahnn too good, is there something u can't do!! Well written blog... looking forward to reading more of these!!

~Very glad to have found you mann...one of the few people I vibe with. Very eager to take this amazing journey with you and ofc your blogs are gonna make it even more special

~Your blog is awesome dear.. It's a new journey after waiting for longtime

Very long way to go...

~Bro it takes a lot of guts to do what u just did

~I just read your blog and it is so so beautiful!! So well worded and very pure. Congratulations on that!! And needless to say, I would be stealing

some lines from the for the talents day

~hey it was a rly great vlog,felt relatable keep posting!

~That was damn good bro. Hope we get to read more of these in the future

~Dudee it's guddddd!!

~Yo it was gooood!!!

That one moment..

As a mbbs student we get to do a lot of things, people expect us to do a lot of things and we expect from ourselves that we'll be the best in them. One such thing is called family adoption where we are assigned two families whose health has to be monitored by us.

Today was one of the days where I had to visit the families and probably this was my 4th visit. I was happy that they opened up to me and shared what they were going through, this kinda gave me this feeling of  being able to help them and try my best towards looking after them.

Today wasn't like any other normal visit, there was a moment where I felt like I had failed in doing my job. 

One of my family members complained of chest pain and upon further enquiry I figured out that the pain was radiating to her left arm. Like any other amature medico I guessed that it's a case of myocardial infarction...

I gave a call to my teacher, asked him to come to her house, got the BP apparatus and checked her BP which ended up being normal, her pulse was in the normal range too. I guessed that it was something to do with her gastric issue as she had complained of it earlier as well. 

Teacher arrived and I presented her health history to him. It turned out that I was right, it was her gastric issue that led to the pain and other complaints, and it also had a psychological component. 

But that one moment where my brain didn't work, and took me to another world where I could have lost her probably due to some negligence from my side was terrible. 

But every cloud has a silver lining, in the end she was safe and i was praised for having good communication skills.. It boosted my confidence, but again i don't know what's exactly going on with her, hopefully I'll be able to figure that out soon and be of some use to her.

Expectations vs reality

 Expectations vs reality is something to which we all can relate to. It's the bitter truth which we can never avoid.

When i started my journey towards becoming a doctor, little did I know that whatever I had expected or planned wouldn't happen. I was a child when I decided to become a doctor, and probably this was one of the few decisions that remained constant throughout. During my preparation, I kept on planning how to study, what's going to be considered a good score, which college to join, what all to do after joining MBBS, but in the end none of it came true.

Like every NEET aspirant, I also had a dream of joining AIIMS, especially AIIMS Rishikesh. As and when the days passed, I was more and more occupied in thinking about the post NEET scenarios than living in the persent. Finally in the end, my entire 11th grade was over without me even realising. I wasn't ready with the syllabus, but decided to be better in 12th, but this time COVID came into the picture and brought lockdowns with it, and I was back to my old self.

Somethings need to be learnt the hard way.

The exam was a week from now, I fell sick, wasn't ready with the syllabus properly, all of this hit me on one day- 12th September 2021- the day i looked forward to since I dreamt about being a doctor.

NEET was supposed to be a stepping stone, a starting point in a long journey, but I fell, this was not what I had planned for. I had to repeat my exam again. I wasn't ready. I could feel my whole world cracking and breaking apart. I stood there helpless.

In the end i had to move on, with my efforts, and everyone's support, I reconstructed everything.

Here I am today taking small steps towards achieving something great-becoming a great doctor.

Remember this:

"Will it be easy? Nope,

  Will it be worth it? Hell yes!"

What's coming is better than what's gone......

 There has been a huge gap in uploading this blog so I have a lot to include in this, The hopefully everyone enjoys reading it :)

For every medico, there is one extremely special day after their admission, which is their White Coat ceremony, a day where we realize we have now entered into a new phase that is filled with a lot of responsibilities not just towards our family and friends, but also towards the whole society in general. 

My White Coat ceremony was held on the 30th of December, 2022. It was a great day which started with all of us waking up completely excited, and decked up to finally wear the Apron we worked for, for many it may just be a piece of cloth, but for us it is the result of our efforts, struggle, self doubts, and many more unpredictable moments, but most importantly it is something that reminds us our responsibilities, our importance in the society.

That day everything seemed just great, even the food XD. I got ready, met my friends, ate dosa for breakfast, and called my parents to confirm if they would be there on time. Later I finally left for the lecture hall where our ceremony was to be held.

 By that day I had already made a bunch of crazy friends, and every moment with them was nothing but joyous. We planned on clicking pics, discussed where we all have been seated and tried to figure out ways to communicate. Finally after a little delay, and after all the dignitaries had arrived, the event began. The beginning was just our dean's speech, and an introduction to mentoring.

After a short gap, the chief guest a famous cardiologist arrived along with our university's chairperson. He came personally to all of us, wished us and gave us a rose. What is better than taking a step forward towards our dream with the best wishes from a great Doctor?

Our White Coat ceremony was supposed to be held once the speeches were over, but it was pushed to the post lunch session as the speakers took a lot of time addressing the gathering. Lunch was an adventure all by itself, the food was good, but we didn't get plates at first, when we got the plates we didn't get paneer, but as it's said every cloud has a silver lining, the remaining part of the day turned out to be much better. 

Post lunch, it was now the time we had all anxiously waited for, it was the time we were going to be handed our Aprons by our teachers!!

I was in the first bench with my friend, our roll numbers were somewhere in the middle, so our friends decided to ask us to take their pics and videos when they go on sage, and for this we literally got 6 phones XD we juggled between phones, but it was indeed fun, and the feeling was great when our friends were handed over their Aprons!

It was finally time for me to go on the stage, I was excited, happy, and there was this feeling of having achieved something great. 

I was handed over my Apron by my professor, we spoke briefly, and then dispersed from the stage. Post all this was our Oath session, where we took the Charaka Shapath, an oath all medicos take in India.

Now the session was over, I clicked pics with my parents, and they left to go home.

It was now the time for our crazy bunch to meet, click pics, and roam around talking and chilling. We met at one place after everyone's parents left, roamed around the campus, clicked pics, and trust me when  I say A LOT OF PICS!!

Honestly it feels great around these people, now it's become a second home with all of them around.

Any day is fun with all of them, just imagine how crazy that day would have been XD